Brent Batten: The 2011 year in review springs forward

Spring. The days grow longer, as does the year in review.

April

1 — Lee County deputies arrest a man they say has $400,000 in stolen jewelry and Pokemon cards in his car. The suspect attempted a retreat but he didn't have an evolution card and was knocked out when his Pokemon-ex accumulated too many hit points.

2 — Two Marco Island teenagers accused of selling drugs are charged with practicing medicine without a license. Police suspected the two weren't really doctors when they noticed up-to-date magazines in their waiting room.

12 — A Collier County man is accused of threatening his wife with a chain saw. He is given a fine, jail time and a role in the next Wes Craven movie.

14 — The former director of the Gulf Coast High School band is found guilty of having sex with a student. The judge names him director of the Starke Correctional Institution Marching Lifers for the next 30 years.

16 — Naples mayoral candidate John Sorey meets with Gov. Rick Scott. The two discuss pension funds, the environment and the pressing need to find a cure for baldness.

20 — Kamela Patton is selected superintendent of Collier County Public Schools. Patton says her goals are to raise test scores, encourage more parental involvement and to get people to stop calling her Pamela.

21 — A judge declines to impose monetary damages in a libel suit against Fort Myers radio station 96 K-Rock. The judge does, however, order the station to play one Michael Buble song every hour on the hour.

27 — Collier school officials reassess the practice of providing free physicals to student athletes after a court ruling leaves medical professionals exposed to liability. In a compromise, doctors agree they'll continue to tell students to cough, but won't ask them to turn their heads to the left first.

29 — The Pub on Linwood hosts a viewing party for the Royal Wedding. Some attendees come to seen the pageantry, some come to see history being made and the rest come to see Pippa Middleton's butt.

May

1 — Widening of U.S. 41 begins in Estero. The project requires dozens of engineers, scores of heavy equipment operators and hundreds of guys to lean on shovels.

4 — A heavy cloud of smoke blankets much of Collier County. Possible sources include a grass fire in the Everglades, a controlled burn in the Big Cypress National Preserve and a Willie Nelson/Snoop Dogg twin bill at Germain Arena.

7 — The Florida Legislature wraps up its 2011 session at 3:45 a.m. Lawmakers express disappoint at not being able to find more money for education, at failing to pass meaningful insurance reform and at missing last call at The Governor's Club.

9 — Amtrak accepts the $2 billion federal grant Florida rejected for high speed rail. Amtrak officials say the money should be just enough to offset the annual losses of weekly rail service between Miami and Fort Lauderdale.

13 — Six teenagers are arrested for vandalism at the Shangri-La spa in Bonita Springs. The judge orders them to do community service, to serve time on probation and to do a 10,000-word book report on "Lost Horizon."

14 — Ave Maria University announces cuts to jobs and programs.

15 — Ave Maria University Law School holds graduation for 90 students. The graduates immediately sue the university over cuts to jobs and programs.

16 — Contract talks with incoming Collier school Superintendent Kamela Patton hit a snag. The two sides agree on a pay and benefit package, but school attorneys keep spelling her name Pamela.

24 — Lee County commissioners amend an ordinance to allow beer at the new Boston Red Sox spring training facility. The Red Sox starting pitchers breathe a huge sigh of relief.

25 — A Bonita Springs pawn shop owner is duped into buying a bogus Babe Ruth baseball card. Police said the owner should have been tipped off by the aluminum bat resting on Ruth's shoulder.

30 — Naples City Council considers a ban on plastic chairs in outdoor dining areas of Fifth Avenue South. The discussion pre-empts other council priorities including deciding which color to paint the flagpole at Crayton Cove and choosing coleslaw over potato salad for lunch.

31 — A new state law imposes harsher penalties for parents hosting parties at which alcohol is served to teenagers. Possible sanctions include being fined, being sent to jail and being forced to shotgun a Schlitz tall boy.

June

3 — A Collier County deputy is fired for using the law enforcement database to look up information on celebrities. The practice becomes problematic when a search for "Lindsay Lohan probation violations" crashes the national computer database.

6 — "Magic" is selected as the theme for the 2012 Naples Winter Wine Festival. The theme is appropriate, given that getting someone to pay $10,000 for a bottle of wine that tastes pretty much the same as a bottle they could get for $10 is a really good trick.

7 — An East Naples man in court for sentencing avoids being sent to prison when he collapses in front of the judge.

8 — Thirty-three defendants in court for sentencing collapse in front of the judge.

8 — Wildlife authorities capture a bear in Lake Park. Officers believe the bear was either searching for a mate, seeking new territory or looking for pic-a-nic baskets.

11 — A Hindu temple opens in Fort Myers. The community welcomes the new center with open arms and arms and arms and arms.

16 — An anonymous letter writer accuses a sheriff's deputy of encouraging women to take their tops off at the Great Dock Canoe Race. The deputy explains that in the noise and confusion of the event he was misheard and that he was actually asking the women to show him their permits.

18 — A controversy erupts over the names of the two bridges on U.S. 41 over the Gordon River. Some want to stick with the traditional Gordon River Bridge designation while others want them renamed after city pioneer Walter Haldeman. A less popular option is to name them Lloyd and Beau.

22 — Government officials from China visit Collier County to tour water treatment plants. The Chinese say they are seeking better quality of water to improve health, promote hygiene and to get that funny taste out of the egg drop soup.

23 — Republican presidential candidates Jon Huntsman and Herman Cain visit Naples. For reasons not readily apparent, Huntsman takes great pains to keep his daughters away from Cain.

25 — Former marijuana smugglers gather for a reunion at a North Naples tavern. Attendees discuss past adventures, changes they've made in their lives and where to get cheeseburgers after the tavern closes.

Coming Thursday: Summertime and the reliving is easy.